All I Need
by nevertrustahug
Summary: Alternate intro to Last Christmas. Bit dark; hurt and comfort kind of a thing.


_(This is the first time I dedicate a story to someone, and probably the last; and I don't really know how to do it so here goes:_

_To Dejana; because every time I see her I get reminded of how life is beautiful and just how lucky I am to be able to share it with her. This story is for you my dearest friend…)_

_"__However dark it got, I'd turn around and there they'd be. If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving; remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me."_

_11__th__ Doctor_

_ ** All I Need**_

_I don't need much. Never have. Just a spark; a nudge here and there and I soldier on. Never give up, and never cruel. That's why I let them go. Because they deserve it, and I can't let myself take that that away. _

_I cannot think about my own feelings. That would be selfish. But I often do. And it hurts too. Still, I let them go, and I let the pain in._

Clara is gone, the Doctor knows that. She's with Danny now, and he was fine with that. That's the lie he told himself every night he spent alone in the TARDIS. It was better that way.

But it still hurts. He was alone now, all alone. His TARDIS was growing colder and darker every day, and he couldn't care less. There was nothing left for him in this world. Everything he ever loved, he either lost, or has had to say goodbye to. And he could not accept that he might have deserved it somehow. Probably because he didn't.

_There is surprisingly always hope_\- he reminded himself of something his boyish, silly self used to say. But he does not believe it this time round. He will not believe in something he doesn't want anyway.

_Men like me don't deserve hope_\- he says. _But we are owed more_; he was sure of that. _Just sometimes- a little brake; a second chance. Nothing more, just that_. Still, he was done with bargaining with the universe. Done getting his hopes up only to watch them crash in flames at his weakened feet. _No more_.

_Humble and brave. That's it. And alone,_ he decided.

If you could choose one thing in the universe; one emotion you never want to feel again, what would it be? Would you choose pain? Most people do; it's a logical choice…Who wants to feel pain?

Or would you choose not to feel sadness? That's quite common too. Grief can cripple you in a matter of seconds, and it never really lets you go, does it?

Or anger? Now there's an evil thing. The raging fire that controls you like a puppet with strings; your every move captive to its wishes. And it's only when it loosens its deathly grip do you realize what you've done. Who you've hurt.

But not the Doctor. He would never give up the pain. Pain is a gift that makes him kind. He would never dare give it up.

Sadness is devastating, that much is true. But it also tells a story of how you loved with all you had. That's worth the pain, isn't it?

And then, there's anger. His old friend. So many times he has stumbled and wrestled with it. Sometimes he would win; and sometimes he would lose. Balance of probability mostly. But every time he was certain he gave his best to fight it. And that was enough. Yes, most of the time and now more than ever, he would just let his soul be consumed by fire and rage. Too strong to fight it off; too painful to resist. But always helpful, always.

No. None of those terrifying feelings were worth losing. But hope was.

Why hope- you ask? Because it hurts the most, and brings upon sadness one cannot endure on one's own. And then, when it eventually betrays you, the anger sets in. No. Hope is just a vessel for all those emotions- he figured that out long time ago. Still, he could not give it up.

When all the stars are dead and the little fireflies have gone to bed; and there is no more light to guide you, what will you do? What will your days feel like?

Empty, hollow. And you will no longer wake up from bad dreams wishing you never had them. No. You will wake up not even having dreams; nothing. And then you will wish there was something in your life to lessen the burden from the tightening grip of reality. Just one thing; one dream; anything.

We all lose something, all through our lives. We lose our friends, our youth, memories or even family. But worst of all is when you lose your will. And when you're sitting there in the corner; trying to patch yourself together and failing; you remember that once you had that will. That drive that gets you out of the bed in the morning, and you wonder. What happened? Where did I lose it? Is it under the bed; or in my second-best hand bad? Any you just wish you can find it soon, because it hurts and you are tired. It hurts being hopeless. And you're tired of being stuck, with no way out. Or is there? Because you see, we don't really need much. And life does not throw anything on us if it thinks we can't handle it. That's the balance of nature; the mathematics of the Universe. We all have it in ourselves to pull it through; to fight it. To claw, to scream, to rip apart and to survive. And to dream. We all have dreams. Dreams are funny. Sometimes they are rational, sometimes not; but all and I repeat all are achievable.

And there it is. The little itch on the back of your neck that drives you out of the bed in the morning. We all strive for something.

And they call us dreamers…There's no such thing; no such group. Because we all dream; it's just who we are. Whether we are humans, aliens, rabbits, butterflies, or little mayflies that live for just a single day. We all dream. And we all reach the skies and cross universes and travel to the furthest reaches of the cosmos. And just look at what we did. What we have created. And we are not stopping; not even slowing down. Our creativity is running wild, and it's propelled by our dreams. There is your connection.

He felt cold and alone. More cold than usual. His chair was not as comfortable as it used to be. His TARDIS not as embracing as before. The sounds she was making while he sat in his armchair were not as soothing as they used to be, and he took a deep breath.

Alone…

-"You know Doctor; I do see now how you've changed."- a voice stopped his spiraling thoughts.-"You sleep much more now, you silly-old man."

_That voice, it can't be…_ Doctor slowly opens his eyes, searching for the source of that voice; and nearly stops breathing when his eyes find her. Just casually leaning against the central console. Those long legs and ridiculously red hair.

-"Amelia."- Doctor barely manages a whisper. Still not confident enough to stand up. But he needs to. He needs to see if she's a hallucination; a projection of his failing mind, or if she's real. Real, body and mind Amy. His Amy. His Pond.

-"Well, who else?"- Amy was crossing her arms. Nope. Too much for the old Time Lord as he turns his head, once again dismissing even the glimpse of hope she might be real. He takes another deep breath.

-"I see you redecorated."- she says but the Doctor fails to answer. He does however surprise even himself, when he manages to master enough strength to rise and push his body from the armchair. He then slowly turns his head towards the apparition. _Still there…_

-"I like it."- Amy mouths noticing the time Lord's pained face.-"It suits you. And good job with the outfit."- she adds as the Doctor manages to work his legs down the stairs and towards her.-"Very mature; love the red lining." He was nearly there now; he could almost touch her.-"No bow-tie. Shame, I was actually getting used to it you know."

A sharp stab to his hearts when those words were spoken, but he moved on. The Doctor stopped a few feet from his old friend, not daring to come closer.

-"Oh come here you old fool."- Amy finally says throwing her arms around him.

She's real. He can feel her. Her skin; her body's slightly raised temperature. The beating of her single heart. His arms eventually come round her back. He won't fight it; not now. He's been dreaming of this moment for such a long time.

-"Still not ginger?"- she teases, flipping his curly hair with her fingers. He just smiles.

-"You've got enough of that for both of us, Pond."- he says with his blue eyes watering at the word. He never imagined he would utter that word again. And there it was: happiness and pain; together in his hearts. Amy; his Amy is here.

It lasts; the embrace. He needs it to last because he fears it will all be over too soon. And he's not ready. He wasn't ready when he lost her, and he sure isn't ready to lose her again now. So he holds on and takes it all in. The feel of her body; the smell of her hair; the vibrations and pulses her heart makes. He cherishes it.

-"When are you taking me to see a planet? You promised me a planet."- Amy disrupts his moment; breaking the embrace and taking the warmth away from him. Her arms are on her hips now, when they should be in his hand- where they belong, where they always belonged.

-"In a minute."- Doctor says, slowly coming to his senses. –"I need to check something first."- he whispers almost inaudibly, in fear of it being true. He moves by her side; once again checking if she was truly there by brushing her softly as he passed.

He punches some dials. _Please, don't be true_\- he prays.

-"Did you just scan me?"

-"Shush now."-Doctor replies looking at the monitor, but there is nothing unusual about the reading. _Maybe it was true. Maybe she was there, maybe…_

-"Where's Rory?"- Doctor suddenly says placing his both arms on the consol for support.

-"Work. He works full time now."

Doctor reaches for his eyes; rubbing them gently and lingering on his temples.

-"Doctor, what's wrong?"

He closes his eyes contemplating. It has been a hellish day; maybe he's just tired. He wants to fight it, but he can't contend.

-"Nothing."- he lies; suddenly coming towards her vigorously with a wide smile on his face.- "You mentioned a planet,"- he raises an eyebrow, "- sure Rory won't mind if we go by ourselves?"

But Amy wasn't listening. She already reached the leaver and was waiting for the signal to punch it.

-"Come along then, Pond."

And off they go.

* * *

They are running together, and if the Doctor could wish for one thing, it would be that they never stop running. Even if it's to run away from highly unfriendly and easily offended fish-people; whom Amy has, naturally, succeeded in offending.

-"I just said I like it when it's more red!"- she yells at the Doctor while they scramble for the TARDIS. He just shakes his head.

They reach the TARDIS and she slips inside first. Doctor pushes through moment later avoiding a few yellow-smoke bombs the fish-people were now throwing at them; he then locks the door and turns around.

-"Hello sweetie."- and he knows. The cold, sharp pain; the stab that never goes away. _He's dreaming. And she is his anesthetic_.

-"I wanted some alone time with my husband,"- River says explaining the sudden disappearance of her mother,-"…hope you don't mind."- she smiles playfully.

The Doctor forces a smile.

-"Aren't you dashing."- she says flirtatiously. –"Finally, the proper age." (_experienced_) was not said, but certainly thought.

_He needs to wake up. He has to. He knows what's at stake_\- he struggles still lingering at the door.

-"Aren't you going to say hello?"- River was growing impatient now.

_Fight it! Wake up!_

He starts moving towards her. every step closer to her pushes those screaming voices further down his mind.

Doctor reaches her and just as she's about to protest for his lack of excitement on seeing his wife, he grabs her head and pulls her into a passionate kiss. She's caught for a second, but soon recovers, and embraces him; one arm on his back and the other twisting in his silver hair. _Oh how he missed those lips_. And he is reminded in that moment what love truly is.

Love is a thunder clawing from the deepest chasms of innocence only to burn and crash into your tainted soul. To love is to feel the Earth move, hear the stars shine, and see the trees sing; and burn. Love is beautiful and majestic; and cruel and unforgiving. When you love, you can feel every note of the happiness it brings; and every flick of the whip the disappointment lashes when you lose the one you love.

Some thrive in love, and some suffer; for they cannot contain it. It overflows; the intensity of it just overpowers and leaves disaster in its wake. A pleasurable agony; ecstatic happiness and orgasmic pain. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all- that saying has no more meaning for him. He knows everything he loves will eventually turn to dust, but he still gives love unendingly and unconditionally. _Because to love is to live; and he would never have it any other way._

He breaks the kiss. Air is scarce and he can barely stand as it is. But he doesn't move away. He lets their forehead touch, so he can hold her forever. He would; he might.

_You're dreaming!_ \- his brain yells.

_No! Shut Up!_

River squirms against his arms and he tightens the grip. Both his hands are on her back; _they don't want to let go_. His head is lost in her curly hair; _it doesn't want to be seen_. There's that pain again. He clutches on her dress, burying his face even further in her impossible hair. _But if feels so real…Why_? His emotions betray him once again and he pulls River to his trembling body.

-"You're dreaming."- he can hear her say.

-"I know."- he admits inhaling her scent deeply.

-"You need to wake up."- she says softly.

-"Why?"- Doctor whispers.

-"Because it's killing you."- River places a kiss on his neck.

-"Don't care."

-"Please my love, just wake up…"

-"But I don't want to…"- his eyes were red swollen now, but he forces them shut. _Why does he need to go?_

-"She needs you. Clara; she's in danger."- River says softly caressing his hair.

-"I need _you_."

-"It's killing you; please Doctor, be reasonable. You can't stay with me forever."

-"Yes I can. I'm not letting you go…"- Doctor could barely whisper; but River pushes him from her embrace. She's crying, but it must be done.

-"Please don't make me lose you again."-Doctor shakes his head.

-"I'm so sorry sweetie…Wake up- NOW!"

He wants to stop her, but doesn't. Everything ends, and he knows it. Her hand connects with his face just as he closes his eyes in acceptance, and lets a tear fall down.

And the next thing he knows, he's waking up by a volcano. The rumble and heat of it masking the fiery pain that stabs his hearts. He gasps for air, propping himself on his arms.

_Clara!-_ was the first thing he says. Because love is a promise. He needs to save her, and he knows he needs to move on. His impossible girl was in danger. And he was the Doctor.

_The End_


End file.
